Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Finding Some Direction

A week or so ago, I was skimming through job postings on Craigslist (Craigslist is a strange land full of strange people.  Anyone want a job as a XXX housekeeper? All you need is an open mind and please send in a photo...CREEPY!!) and I came across a posting for a music teacher at a local private school.  At first, I just went on and ignored it.  Then, the next day I saw it again. This time, I stopped and thought about it for a few minutes.  What if I actually got that job? What if I actually enjoyed it? What if I could really do something that had to do with music? But then the other thoughts began.  What if I can't do it? What if I'm a terrible teacher and a make a whole school full of children hate music? What if I'm a total failure? 

When I look back at my decision to not go into music ed in college (or really any kind of education degree), I honestly now believe it was all based on fear.  I was afraid of practicums and student teaching and all the other things that come along with being an education major.  I didn't want to face those fears, so I didn't.  That's how I was.  Sometimes, that's still how I am. 

I spent a day or so thinking over the idea of teaching.  Of course, I'd taught preschool for years, but it wasn't really the same.  I did a few years of real teaching in VPK, but mostly I've been with the younger ages in classes that were really more about playing and diaper changing and eating snacks and making sure little so and so didn't bite his friends.  There wasn't a lot of real teaching involved in what I'd been doing.  However, when I looked back at the years of teaching VPK...the years before the classrooms were filled with children who were beyond unruly and who made any real learning impossible for the rest of the class...I remember them being very satisfying.  I recalled the day that one of my students finally figured out how to correctly write his name.  He was so proud of himself! I remembered that it was exciting to see children grasp new concepts and learn new skills.  It was actually fun! The more I thought about teaching, the more I was getting excited about the idea.

So now where am I? I've applied to that private school job.  I've also applied for a job at a tutoring facility.  I've even begun the application process for becoming eligible for a teaching certificate in music.  I'm not even sure if I want to teach music.  I wouldn't mind trying,  but I'm also beginning to think I might like to teach elementary school.  I have no idea what I'm going to do with these new thoughts and desires.  I don't know how to go about getting certified to teach anything but music.  I'm pretty sure that either way, I may end up having to go back to school for a little while.  The idea of going back to school has always been totally unappealing to me before, but now it kind of excites me.  I don't really know how to make all of this work.  I'm still looking into it all and trying to figure it out, but I'm excited to have some kind of goal in mind.  I've never had that before.

Please pray for me as I try to figure out what to do next.  I'm still really scared.  I'm afraid of failing.  I'm afraid that I will just be all talk and end up working in some office somewhere doing a job I hate.  I'm afraid I'll actually get a job teaching and find out that I really don't like it after all.  I'm afraid that I won't be able to get a job teaching.  I'm just a big chicken! But I'm a chicken with at least a little bit of direction.   

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