Christmas

Blah, Blah, Blah, haven't posted in forever...blah, blah, blah...

Now that we got that out of the way...

Holy cow the year is almost over!! Christmas was...bitter and sweet, but not really bittersweet as the bitterness and sweetness didn't come together.

The sweet: My Grandma, Aunt and Uncle, and sis and her crew were all here over Christmas. We had a great time. D and the boys came over on Friday and stayed the night. (It's been crowded! We had people shoved everywhere, but it was fun!) Friday night my family and I gave our gifts to D and boys and I opened mine from D. (Awesome purple Pumas, some spicy chocolate, and the promise of a date night to a place he's been wanting to take me.) I got the boys bows and arrows I had purchased on Etsy, and Saturday morning we all went out in our PJs to play with them. So fun! We also did some fishing (though we caught nothing) and just general hanging out and playing.  In the evening, we all went to a Christmas Eve service at my parents' church where N fell asleep in my lap, and S fell asleep on D's shoulder...guess we wore them out!)  After service, we had dinner at Sonny's BBQ.  D and boys went home that evening, and the rest of us went back to my house to watch Christmas in Connecticut. 

Christmas morning, we all got up and got ready for church and had a big, yummy breakfast.  My family all went to my parents' church, but I met up with D's family at another church in town. After church, I exchanged gifts with D's family and then headed home to open presents with my family.

Christmas evening we had a big dinner with lots of family.  Some cousins that I don't get to see very often came over for a few hours, and it was great being able to catch up with them.  D came back that evening after dropping the boys off at their mom's.  He and I stayed up watching Firefly with my Sis and Bro-in-law after everyone else went to bed.

For the most part, it was a really nice Christmas...except...it wasn't...

The bitter:
About 4 months ago, we got the news that my mom's brother had cancer, and that even with treatment, he would probably only make it another 11 months.  They tried treatment for a little while, but the cancer continued to spread, and he began to go downhill fast.  Last monday my mom got the call for the family to come (My Uncle lived in Tennessee), so she and my dad drove up there early Tuesday morning.  It looked like they might be gone for Christmas, and I was depressed about both my uncle's condition and the idea of my mom and dad not being here for Christmas.  After a couple days, they decided that since my Aunt had her children with her and there was nothing they could do, they should just head home for Christmas.  On Christmas Eve we got the call that he had passed away.  I've never seen my mom hurting so badly.  She keeps saying, "I just want to wake up from this bad dream."  I'm going to miss my uncle.  He's the one who used to live with us...back when I first started this blog.  It's so hard to imagine him not being alive and well and full of fun.  But as much as I hurt for me, my heart breaks a million times more for my mom who has lost her beloved big brother.  The funeral was yesterday, and she and my dad are up there now.  I know that my uncle is with the Lord, and that he is no longer in pain, but losing him will leave a huge hole in our family.  I always expected that someday he would officiate my wedding as he did for my sister and so many of my cousins, and now he can't.  I'll miss his crazy, amazing ability to do accents and his chocolate "medicine" and all the other little things that made up his wonderful personality.

Life is so hard and painful, and yet there is so much joy and happiness and love in it as well.  I guess we have to take them all together.  We don't have a choice about the pain...it comes without our consent.  Strangely, it's the good that I think we have to choose...choose to be mindful of it and not allow ourselves to be lost in grief and sadness...choose to let it in...let ourselves love without fear.  Maybe Christmas is a good reminder of that...Christ came in this sweet and precious way...a tiny baby to loving parents.  Yet, that wasn't the end of the story.  There was pain and hard work and love and friendship and a cruel death on a cross that, in the end, brings us life.  We can't pick out pieces of it...it all goes together.

Anyway, if you are out there reading this, please say a prayer for comfort for my family. We sure could use it.  And I hope that everyone had a very merry Christmas.

Life Is

...complicated. My praying friends out there who occasionally check in here, please keep me in your prayers.  I'm confused and frustrated, and I want to be in control of life...including the choices of others.  Please pray that I will be able to let God be in control and trust him no matter what comes in my life, and that I will make choices that will please Him and not drive me away from Him.  I'm not at a point where I want to share a whole lot here, but I would really appreciate prayer.  I could also use a hug if anyone has one to spare.

What Is Love?

Each day of the week I have a different list of people that I pray for.  On Fridays I pray for my family.  As I worked my way through the list today, thanking my Savior for each of these people He has blessed me with, I was struck by the incredible examples of love that I have been given throughout my life.  Not just that my family has shown love to me as their daughter, granddaughter, niece, etc.  Any essentially functional family loves their own.  What I mean is that they have shown me true, godly examples of what love is really about. 

I think about my dad's mom.  What an amazing woman she is.  She will take anyone who needs a place into her home.  I've seen her take a homeless man who was found living in her church and give him a roof over his head and a new start in life.  I've watched her take in so many that others would have little or nothing to do with.  She never seems to concern herself with what she will get out of it or whether or not they will ever pay her back or even whether or not she will be safe.  She just gives of herself no matter the cost and no matter the individual.  Each week she drives her van to pick up food to take to her church food pantry that she runs.  My Grandmother is in her 80s.  She has arthritis and carpel tunnel syndrome, yet week after week she's there.  She is carting and carrying and lifting and praying and SERVING.  That's what she does.  And you know something, in all my years, I've never really heard her complain.  I've never seen her attempt to get something in return.  She just gives and gives and gives until there should be nothing left.  And yet, she is so rich!  She has so much joy and love and life and energy. 

I consider my mom's mother.  Over the years, we've all teased her and laughed a bit at her because she can really be very ditsy at times.   In a lot of ways she seems so very weak, so very incapable.  I know the truth though.  This woman is STRONG.  As a child, I watched as my grandfather's mind and body were taken away by Alzheimer.   I saw my grandmother take care of him at home for as long as she possibly could.  I saw her stand by his side when he had no idea who she was, when he would threaten to throw her out of the house because she was a stranger in his eyes.  I saw her visit and sit with him every single day at the nursing home once she could no longer care for him on her own.   She could have said, "No, this is too hard to watch" and moved on with her life, but she never did.  She stayed there by his side until he went to be with Jesus.  She did it because she loved him.  She loved him when he could no longer feed himself and when he lost control of his bladder functions.  She loved him when he had nothing left to offer her in return.  In my eyes, that is real love!

I see now one of my aunt's going through this same thing with her husband.  He still lives with her and he still knows who she is, but everyday he declines.  She has to help him to the bathroom and dress him and remind him that the food in front of him is for eating.  I see the pain in her eyes when she looks at this man who was once so strong and so intelligent now struggling just to figure out how to sit in a chair.  And yet, she presses on, and I know she will continue to do so.  Why?  Because she knows what it means to love.

Today as I prayed, I think I saw that I still have so much to learn about love.  Love isn't always pretty.  It's not really about warm fuzzy feelings.  That is certainly part of it, but it's not the whole.  Love is work.  It's sacrifice.  It's giving when you may get nothing in return.  I look at my life and see so many areas where I fail at love so often.  Areas where I need to be practicing love every day.  When my mom says something that I don't like and I snap at her, when I'm harsh and ugly with the children in my class, when I know someone needs my help but I make an excuse because I just don't feel like it, when I talk about someone behind their back (as though I am so much better! What rot!), and so many other things.  

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud. It is not rude, 
it is not self-seeking, 
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails

It's a familiar and often quoted portion of Scripture, but there is a reason for that.  It's important!  Imagine what kind of world we would live in if we all truly learned to live by these verses!

Lord, show me how to love like that! 

What Is The Point?

I have a to-do list that gets longer every second.  Do you think blogging is on it?  Nope.  Yet, here I am.  Somehow it helps to de-stress when I blog, and I need all the de-stressing I can get right now!  I'm am so looking forward to this week being over.  Next week all the family will be here and, as my mom said, we will be able to stop preparing for Christmas and just enjoy it!  For now I'm busy with baking, shopping, cleaning, crocheting, wrapping, making trips to the post office, working, etc.  Some of it is fun, some is not.  All must be finished by the time I go to bed on Saturday night.

The trouble is though, I'm so busy with getting ready for Christmas that I'm forgetting about what Christmas is really about.  Last night, while trying desperatly to get my room clean enough to find my floor and furniture, I uncovered my Bible hiding under a chair.  I gazed in horror as I tried to remember when the last time I read it was.  Even know I cannot say for sure.  I just know it's been far too long.   How on earth can I expect to have a truly Merry Christmas if I am neglecting spending time with the One who's birth I claim to be celebrating?  It cannot go on.  None of the rest of it even matters really.  The baking and the shopping and all the projects I have going on are worth very little if I have forgotten the reason behind the whole thing.  And so, I am going to do my best to keep my eyes fixed on my Savior as I go through the rest of this season (and the rest of my life!)

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,

“Glory to God in the highest,

and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.”

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told. 

I want to be like those shepherds!  I want to leave the busyness of what I am doing to go spend some time with my Savior, so I can return to my work glorifying and praising God.

I am glad I chose to blog tonight.  This wasn't even close to the topic I was going to discuss, but somehow listing all those things that I'm so worried about getting done made me stop and think about what really matters to me.

Thinking Through What I Sing

Tonight I was listening to my Ipod in the car on the way home, and the song Hungry came up. I was singing along as I usually do, when I came to the words, "I'm falling on my knees, offering all of me. Jesus You're all this heart is living for." I turned off the ipod at that point and thought about those words..."offering all of me." Now, I can't speak for others here, but I wonder, how many times do I sing along with a song in my car or even sing in church, these same kinds of words without really thinking about what I'm actually pledging to God with my lips. Offering ALL of me...what does that really mean? Holding nothing back from him. Everything is, as Elisabeth Elliot would say, "material for sacrifice." That is not easy! Those little fears that I want to hold on to, my comfort, my time, my money, those little "harmless" sins...EVERYTHING. It must all be offered to God. It sounds so easy until He shows you one of those things that you need to offer...one of the ones you really wanted to hold on to. "Oh Lord, really, you want that?! I kind of wanted to just hold on to that one leeettle thing!" But no, I must offer it all to Him. Of course, in the end, when I do relinquish that thing, I always find that it wasn't worth holding onto anyway...that He pours out much greater blessings on my life than that silly little thing I was holding on to. Still though, when it comes to the point where I know I must surrender it, it always seems so hard...sometimes impossible even. But, "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:13). Praise the Lord that He gives me that strength!

Goodbye, PirateDiva

I have been considering a name change for my blog for some time now. Frankly, I no longer feel much like a Pirate, and I have no desire to be a diva. Daily, the Lord is teaching me and working on my heart about laying down myself and surrendering all to Him. This is inconsistent with both a Pirate and a Diva. I have mulled over several different names, but have been having trouble coming up with something I liked. Tonight, as I lie here not sleeping, I have come up with a name. Perhaps, by light of day, I will change my mind...we shall see. For now you have it...Magnificent Obsession. I took this name from (surprise, surprise) a Steven Curtis Chapman song (yes, I'm aware that it is a also the name of a book and movie, but my magnificent obsession aligns better with the song).


Lord, You know how much
I want to know so much
In the way of answers and explanations
I have cried and prayed
And still I seem to stay
In the middle of life’s complications
All this pursuing leaves me feeling
like I’m chasing down the wind
But now it’s brought me back to You
And I can see again

This is everything I want
This is everything I need
I want this to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You, Jesus
Be my magnificent obsession

So capture my heart again
Take me to depths I’ve never been
Into the riches of Your grace and Your mercy
Return me to the cross
And let me be completely lost
In the wonder of the love
That You’ve shown me
Cut through these chains that tie
me down to so many lesser things
Let all my dreams fall to the ground
Until this one remains

You are everything I want
And You are everything I need
Lord, You are all my heart desires
You are everything to me

You are everything I want
You are everything I need
I want You to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You
I want it all to be for You

Lord, more and more
I pray Thee, or by wind or fire,
Make pure my inmost heart's desire,
And purge the clinging chaff from off the floor.

I wish Thy way,
But when in me myself would rise
And long for something otherwise,
Then, Holy One, take sword and spear and slay.

Oh, stay near by,
Most patient Love, till, by Thy grace,
In this poor silver, Thy bright face
Shows forth in clearness and serenity.

What will it be
When, like the lily or the rose
That in my flowery garden blows,
I shall be flawless, perfect, Lord, to Thee?

- Amy Carmichael

Surrender

I Surrender

Lord I know you see this fear in my heart of what my future holds
I feel you softly ask if I can trust You more and give you control,
So I kneel before you now and I offer everything
Come and be the Lord of all, all I am or ever hope to be

I've been living for myself, and now I want to live for You alone
Come and help me when I'm weak, and when my path seems so unknown
You will be beside me still; I know You want what's best for me
So when I want to take control, Lord please come and help my unbelief

I surrender; I surrender to the One Who loves me more than life
I surrender, I surrender here is my heart I open it wide-
To the One Who cannot be unfaithful
I now offer You all that I am

I surrender, I surrender from this day on I'll be in Your hands.

Lyrics by Leslie Ludy

The subject of submission and surrendering has been on my mind a lot lately. I feel like I have spent most of my life giving God conditions on what I will and will not do. “I am willing to do this certain thing for you Lord, but don’t ask THIS OTHER THING of me.” “I’ll do this thing, Lord, but only if…fill in the blanks” Is this an acceptable attitude for a Christian to have? I think NOT! I am created by God to do His work. I was redeemed from the punishment of death through the shedding of the blood of His Son. I have chosen to belong to Him. It is not for me to give Him conditions; it is simply for me to obey. To some of you, this may seem absurd. Why should I feel the need to submit my life and give up my own desires, to do the bidding of someone else…someone you many not even believe exists? Why? Well, first of all, I full believe…no, I know…that He does exist. I also know that He loves me, and that His love is perfect. I know that what He has for my life is so much bigger and better than what I could plan on my own. Perhaps not easier or as popular, but abundantly richer and more fulfilling. I am still rather uncertain of what God’s plan is for my life, but I know that I don’t have to know or see it all now. I must live each day as it comes and walk in obedience to what he asks of me today.

Fun, baby post to follow. :D

Fear and Conviction

Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living.
- Jim Elliot

Have I put my life on hold? Am I waiting for a life that I've mapped out for myself to finally come along, or am I living each day to the fullest for my Savior? Is too much of my time wasted in meaningless nothing? There is a world in need around me. Why do I squander away my days in idleness?

...under conviction...wanting to know His will but possibly afraid to seek it.

...should be sleeping.

Something Crazy

Today I was struck by the lyrics of Steven Curtis Chapman song (I'm amazed at how often that happens).


He's got a Bible and a megaphone standing on the corner
And everybody's saying he's crazy
Well does he really think anybody wants to hear what he has to say
He's not screaming at anybody in fact he says
It's a love story that he's trying to tell them

And he knows he may look a little strange
But he just smiles and says that's okay
'Cause you know sometimes love makes you
Act that way

And it's crazy when love gets a hold of you
And it's crazy things that love will make you do
And it's crazy but it's true
You really don't know love at all
'Til it's making you do
Something crazy

I know a lady in Uganda, forty kids call her mama
And everybody thought it way crazy
She used to drive a Beamer, but I've never seen her
Any happier than she is now
I've met them all around the world, they're the boys and girls
Filled up with the love of the Father

And they know it may seem a little strange
But they just smile and say that's alright
'Cause love puts everything in a different light

And it's crazy when love gets a hold of you
And it's crazy things that love will make you do
And it's crazy but it's true
You really don't know love at all
'Til it's making you do
Something crazy

Something crazy
Crazy
Crazy when love gets a hold of you
Crazy, crazy
Crazy thing that love will make you do

Well, some might say it's a crazy thing
To believe in a man who would say he came
From heaven down to earth because of love

But I just smile and say that's okay
'Cause you know sometimes love makes you act that way

And it's crazy when love gets a hold of you
And it's crazy things that love will make you do
And it's crazy but it's true
You really don't know love at all
'Til it's making you do
Something crazy

So, today I am pondering these lyrics. I often feel far too complacent in the life I am living, but I don't want to be complacent. I want more...or maybe it's that I want to want more. I want to be more and do more for Jesus, but fear, uncertainty, and a general lack of direction seem to be standing in my way. It's certainly something to pray about.

Struggling With My Sinful Nature

Why do I speak before thinking? Just yesterday I was discussing with a friend how I felt just the tiniest bit left out because I wasn't asked to help out with a certain thing going on at church. It was stupid for me to feel this way. It wasn't something I would have done anyway, and I'm pretty sure that those in charge knew that. However, today they DID ask me. Did I politely thank them and decline with grace? No. I laughed and said, "That's not going to happen." As soon as I walked away from the conversation I wanted to kick myself for my rudeness. I hadn't intended to be rude. I was flattered that they asked me. Shame on me! I did send them an email later today apologizing for my rudeness, thanking them for asking me, and explaining why I could not help. Still, I should have said these things at the time! Why can't I just learn to use my brain before I open my mouth?! Friends, if I ever do this to you, PLEASE call me out on it! It is never my intention to hurt others or to be rude, but I know that they way I say things can come out that way at times. This is something I'm going to have to pray about. As a Christian, I believe that I am called to speak with grace and kindness, but so often what comes out is snark and sarcasm. This should not be.

Romans 7:21-24
So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?

I understand Paul's plight here! I know what is right. I want to do what is right, and yet I find myself doing wrong. I am so thankful that Paul had an answer for who would rescue us from our bodies of death. Verse 25 says,

"Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

I am so thankful to have a Savior who offers forgiveness and helps me to start over when I mess up. This time it was just a small, unintentional thing and easily fixed, but sometimes the sin is huge and becomes a weight that ties me down. I do not know what I would do without the One who releases me from that sin and sets me free!

Goodbye, Mr. Elephant

If you often view my blog, you may notice that the GOP elephant has vacated his spot. He will be greatly missed, but he informed me upon his arrival that he had only planned on visiting through the election. Goodbye, friend.

Last night history was made. America elected it's first black president. While I recognize the wonderful significance of this, I am unable to rejoice in it. I disagree with almost everything this man stands for, and I believe that America made a very unwise decision yesterday. I am tempted to fear for my country and the direction in which we are heading, but the Lord whispers to my heart that fear is not helpful. Therefore, I will instead go to my Savior and Deliverer and pray that our elected officials will turn to Him for wisdom and guidance.

The king's heart is in the hand of the LORD; he directs it like a watercourse wherever he pleases. Proverbs 21:1

God is Faithful - Even When I am Faithless

Yesterday I found out that the job I though I might be getting is probably not going to work out. I spent the afternoon getting angry with my mom over stupid stuff, pouting, whining, worrying, and scouring the internet for a job. I just knew that I was going to be unemployed forever...that there was nothing out there for me. I'm sure God was shaking his head and sighing in exasperation over my lack of faith. He must love me though, because later that night he restored my faith. Last night I received emails about three different positions. This morning I talked to one family's previous nanny on the phone (she was the one doing the interviewing). The job actually sounds pretty good. Of course, this one could fall through too, but it is good to know that there are still jobs out there. I will find a great job, and I believe it will happen soon.

Alabama hasn't been as bad as I originally made it out to be. The weather has been beautiful and I've actually been having a pretty good time. Yesterday we went out on the lake in the boat. My parents own 1,000 feet of lake front property, but because it is so hilly and the trees so dense, you can't see the lake from the house. It was nice to be able to see more of the property from the water. I have only seen the small, cleared area where the house is. I'm not fond enough of spiders and ticks to venture into the woods for exploration (I feel fairly certain that this brings into question my pirate status).






Last night I made dinner for the family, and I'm proud to sat that it was a success. I love to cook for myself, but making food for other people always makes me nervous. I made creamy parsley and pistachio fettuccine (well, we didn't have fettuccine on hand so I actually used spaghetti noodles) and pistachio crusted chicken. I didn't have a recipe for the chicken. It was something I had eaten at a restaurant at The Grove when I was in LA. I had been wanting to try to make it ever since. I didn't measure anything, so I can't give you an exact recipe, but basically I chopped shelled pistachios in the food processor (enough to coat the amount of chicken you are preparing), put the nuts in a zip-lock bag with some black pepper, put the chicken in and shook it up to coat it. I then baked the chicken (I like my chicken absurdly well done, so I won't presume to tell you how long to cook yours. Any chicken recipe can give you a general idea of how to properly bake chicken).

Those Little Things That Creep In and Drag Us Down

Tonight I began to allow discouragement to worm its way into my heart. I was starting to feel useless and depressed. I spent some time wallowing in self pity until God kind of smacked me in the head and made it pretty clear that I don't have the right to do this. I decided to open my Bible and start my nightly "devo" time. Throughout my prayer and Bible reading, I was reminded of how blessed I really am. I determined to be thankful for what I have instead of feeling sorry of myself because I am unemployed. God has given me so much. I have a roof over my head (and a very nice house around me), I have clothes on my back, I have plenty of food to eat, my bills are very minimal, and I really lack nothing. Of course I need to find a job. I can't sit around and mooch off my parents forever, but at least I have parents who are willing and able to help me while I am looking for a job. So, no more wallowing. No more pity parties. God is in control, and He is on my side!

I am reminded of an old song by Johnson Oatman Jr.

When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings. Wealth can never buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be disheartened, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Taming the Tongue (And Those Fingers On The Keyboard!)

"He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity." Proverbs 21:23

"It [love] is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:5-7

These are both verses I have read and heard perhaps a million times, but tonight they both jumped out at me as I was reading. As a Christian, I have been called by Christ to love. This is not an option. I do not get to pick and choose who I love and who I do not love. I am simply called to love. In the past month or so I have been convicted so many times about my tongue (or in the case of online chatting, my fingers). How many times have I spoken or typed words about someone that were hurtful or unkind...whether behind their back or to their face? It's so easy to justify it..."I'm frustrated and need to vent" or the old, "I love her to death, but..." I have chosen to live my life according to what Christ would have me do. Therefore, I must take His Word to heart. His Word tells me to "guard my tongue" to "always protect" to "keep no record of wrongs." If I am "venting" my frustrations about someone or just being generally snarky about them, how is that protecting them? How is it guarding my tongue? How is it showing love? It isn't. Every person who has ever lived, with the exception of Christ, has messed up. We all fall flat on our faces nearly everyday. We all do stupid stuff. We all fail! Do I want others "venting their frustrations" about my shortcomings and failures behind my back? Do I want them holding every hurtful word or look against me? Certainly not! Why should it be ok for me to do these things then? It isn't! I do believe that I have been doing better in this area, but I still have such a long way to go. It is so easy to fall into a pattern of gossip and ugliness. Friends, if I go silent in a conversation, please know that I am probably not upset with you for what you have said. I am merely trying to keep my own tongue in check. I am working hard to see the best in people and to speak with love about them.

On another note, still no word on the job. She did email me to say that they had had some flooding from the storm, so I'm sure they are a bit busy right now. The not knowing is kind of hard, but I know that it will all work out.

The Beauty Before The Storm

I'm adding this post to share a couple pictures I took of the sun setting over the water behind my house. The pictures won't do it justice, but they will give you a bit of an idea of what I am looking at right now.




God's artwork really is amazing, isn't it?

Silly Parties and Some Serious Reflection

The Breaking Dawn release party was absurdly boring. There were heated debates by the Team Edward and Team Jacob people. It was basically a bunch of teenage girls gathered around and talking turns giving their opinion on the matter. There was this girl in a makeshift tent with a sign that said, "Ask Alice." She was using some sort of cards to tell people their futures...totally ridiculous considering that Alice doesn't use cards or crystal ball or anything other such nonsense. Most of the girls there had made t-shirts with iron on transfers and puff paint that had various Twilight related quotes or slogans on them. At one point a ton of people crowded around a tiny TV to watch trailers and behind the scenes clips from the upcoming movie. Everything they played is readily available on the internet, and I felt no need to throw myself into the insanity. FINALLY midnight came, and we all lined up, bought our books, and went home. I did enjoy hanging out with my sister and some friends though. We probably would have had more fun hanging out somewhere else, but oh well. At least I got my book.

I started reading as soon as I got home, and read till I fell asleep. I woke up at 11:00 AM and started reading again. I finished it this evening around 5:30. I'm not sure how I felt about it. Somehow it didn't read like the other books in the saga. It certainly was a page turner, and yet not in the same way that the others were. In a way, it almost felt like reading fanfic, something I tend to stay away from. Perhaps once I process it all and read it again (and naturally I will read it again), I will have a better opinion of it.

This evening at choir practice, as we were singing about the blood of Christ, I began to think about Twilight (blood and vampires, you can see the correlation, right?). Now, don't misunderstand me, I am not the sort of person who thinks that there is some kind of deeper spiritual meaning behind every piece of literature. However, I do think that, as a Christian, it is good for me to be able to relate what I read to my walk with Christ. I was thinking about the "newborns" in the books - those who had just become vampires - and how in the early stages of their new found existence all they can think about is their terrible thirst for blood. It overpowers them and becomes the absolute most important thing in the world. Eventually though, they are able to control themselves and consider their other needs and desires. Now, clearly in the case of the vampires this is a good thing, but aren't we a bit like that as Christians? In the beginning there is that "thirst" for the things of God. Reading the Bible and spending time in prayer are not chores, not everyday mundane things. Instead they consume us. Then, as time goes by, that "thirst" begins to dull. We still want God as a part of our lives, but other things begin to crowd out that desire – make it less potent. I don't want to be like that, but the truth is that I am. I allow so many other things to get in the way of what should be the most important thing to me. I let so many days go by without even opening my Bible. I worry and stress about things or just push them out of my mind instead of giving them over to God in prayer. Then, because I am not spending the time in his presence that I need to be, little habits start to creep up that I know shouldn't have any place in the life of a Christian. I find my attitude and thoughts begin to stray into places that they should not go. My relationship with Christ is simply not what it should be. So what should I do about this? I am always resolving to do better - to start reading my Bible everyday again and strengthen my prayer life. It goes well for a couple days, but then something gets in the way and I let it slide again and begin the same, familiar, downward spiral. I want to do better - I MUST do better - because giving anything less than my all for the one who gave everything for me is absolutely unacceptable.

My hope and prayer is that putting down my commitment in this blog, for all the world to see (or the 3 people who actually look here every once in awhile), will help to keep me motivated to keep Christ at the center of my life…the very core of my being. I am committing myself to set aside time everyday to spend in the Word and in serious prayer. This starts today. Now. As soon as this is posted I am going to spend some serious time with the Lord. I would like to ask those of you who share my convictions to keep me in your prayer and help keep me accountable.

Psalm 51:1-12

Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.

Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.

Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Surely you desire truth in the inner parts;
you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Faith, Children, Pool Guys, and Vampires

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

The job hunt continues. I have one possible lead, but so far it's going nowhere. I should be stressed and freaking out, but instead I feel strangly calm about the whole situation. Then again, maybe it's not so strange. After all, God has never given me a reason to doubt that He will take care of me. Why would he stop now? When I look back on my life, I can see His hand guiding me at every turn.
I am certain that this will be no different. The verse I quoted at the top of this post reminds me that if I am faithful in following the direction of the Lord, he will guide me along the right paths. Now, if only I can keep myself from trying to go my own way instead of paying attention to where He is leading!

On another note, I had a nine year old try to set me up today. Am I wearing a sign that says, "please find a man for me"? I sure don't see one! A guy came to clean the pool at the family's house where I nanny. The 9 year old looked outside and whispered something to his sister who said to me, "Miss Lauren, the pool guy's left hand is free." I was puzzled by her comment and asked her what she meant. Her brother whispered to her again, and she said, "His ring finger is empty." At this point I got what was going on and started laughing. Needless to say, I did NOT rush outside and try to seduce the poor, unsuspecting pool guy.

Confession: I am in love with the Twilight Saga. I did not plan to fall in love with these books, and I was certainly a bit late in jumping on the bandwagon. However, once I started reading them I knew they were going to be the kind of books that I would devour in one sitting. Who knew I would ever be into vampire stories? Tonight (or tomorrow morning-however you choose to look at it) the fourth book is being released at midnight. My friend, who hasn't even read the books, has agreed to go with me to the release party. I'm sure it will be an insane event with squeeing teenage fangirls, but I don't really care. I always wanted to go to one of the Harry Potter release parties but never did. Maybe this will help to make up for it. I am not, however, planning to dress up for it. That would be crossing the line. Of course, if it were a pirate party, that would be a different story. ;)

Doors and Windows

I never really thought I would start a blog. I don't think I have that much to say. However, I figured it might be fun. So, here goes...

I have been working as a nanny since January. The job has had it's ups and downs, but in general I have loved it. The children are, well, children, and they certainly have their difficult moments. However, I love them both very much, and they are really very sweet. Monday morning when I came to work, my boss told me that she has decided that she needs to be home with her children after school each day. So, when school starts in a couple weeks I will no longer have a job. I can understand her reasoning. If I had children of my own I do not think I would be able to leave them in someone elses care everyday. I'm happy for the family. I believe this will be a good thing for them. It just kind of sucks for me. However, as Maria says in The Sound of Music, "When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window." I'm not sure where this open window is, but I believe that it is out there, and I plan on finding it!